after all, it isn't easy.
it feels just how you think it should fell.
im still a million miles away from where i want to be.

I can't quiet my mind today.
I've been playing dress up this morning. Just like when I was smaller, deciding which hair looks best with what shoes and which dress. Just like when I was younger, but I'll actually be doing this in a week. I really couldn't be more excited, or more scared in my life; and I don't know why.
This is it, but I don't understand why this piece of the puzzle is supposed to be so important. Everyone keeps telling me I should be glamorous and extravagent. Just because I sign a paper and say I do, doesn't mean it's some turning point in my life. I do believe it's something to celebrate, just not like that. I feel like I've been married for years now. So this whole thing is feeling a little backwards to me. Though, it fits; my whole life has been backwards.



Do you know when they say soulmates? Everybody uses it in personal ads. "Soul mate wanted." It doesn't mean too much now. But soulmates- think about it. When your soul- whatever that is anyway- something so alive when you make music or love and so mysteriously hidden most of the rest of the time, so colorful and big but without color or shape- when your soul finds another soul it can recognize even before the rest of you knows about it. The rest of you just feels sweaty and jumpy at first. And your souls get married without even meaning to- even if you can't be together for some reason in real life, your souls just go ahead and make the wedding plans. A soul's wedding must be too beautiful to even look at. It must be blinding. It must be like all the weddings in the world- gondolas with canopies of doves, champagne glasses shattering, wings of veils, drums beating, flutes and trumpets, showers of roses. And after that happens you know- that's it. This is it.

I ask myself everyday, mostly when you're asleep "Who was I before you, and how did I go on?"
When you were a baby I sat very still to hold you. I could see the veins through your skin like a map to inside you. How could skin be that thin? I was so afraid you might drop and break. I stopped breathing so you wouldn't.
You turned your head to look at me. Your eyes looked so big in your face, so mysterious -- wide and flickering like a butterfly-wing mask. When you saw me the wails turned to sobs, and then just quieter heaves of your body. I held out my finger through the bars.
Then you reached out and curled your fingers around mine, so tight. I knew you recognized me. That was the first time I knew I had a heart inside my body.

( and of course pictures (which are pretty big) )

Ollie is 1 year old tomorrow!
I can't believe it, I'm going to cry so much
but I'll still have a badass party for him
so happy birthday to my darling.

this week is surely turning to complete shit.
i wish i knew what to do to make it better.

South needs to send me an acceptance letter, observation ,clinical, interview dates, and not to mention MONEY
a-s-a-fucking-p before i kill them or myself.

I have the best in-laws, and .. grand-inlaws?.. I could have never dreamed of better. I love them.
I have the best husband and it's making me sad that I don't get to see him very much as of late.
I have the best son, EVER. Seriously, he is best baby. Never cries, always giggling. I love him to death. He's my little darling. I can't imagine even seeing a kid better than him. Not just because he's mine, he's just that cool.
and mardi gras is the shit! You can't beat partying for weeks straight.
My life is pretty good right now.

I miss some people I haven't seen in a while though, need to get your asses down to my way. ASAP.

This kid cracks me up.
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What can I say, he takes after his papa.